Arman's stuff
You Call This Weather?

(Tue Apr 26 21:20:09 2011)

Why, it's nuffin! Prime playin' weather, this is!

Everyone in Texas has been going on about how bad the weather is. People here, they don't know what weather is. And if you told 'em? Why, they wouldn't believe you!

Why, back in Kansas, we'd have 30 mph winds, with 50 mph gusts. You know what we'd call it? Thursdays! The wind 'ere, well, it's nuffin'! We had to grow our gardens along walls, just to keep the plants from blowing away. As it was, we'd make spaghetti by holdin' a strainer in front of a pot and standin' downwind of the tomato patch. The tomatoes would blow right off the vine, through the strainer, and right into the pot*. My brother and I made a cart out of old bike tires and two-by-fours, added a sheet for a sail, and flew it down the road. Gettin' back was a chore.

And rain. Ok, sure, there's rain here in East Texas, but it's almost all the same; clouds for a week, some weak thunder for an hour or so, then buckets of rain. For two weeks. That's not a storm, that's a bath! In Kansas, well, you always hear it doesn't rain in Kansas, but that's not entirely true. It does rain. It's just so blustery, when the rain actually lands, it's in Missouri. But the storms! Thunder! Lightning! Sirens! The sky turns green! Kids act crazy! Cats hide! Dogs howl! And the lightning - gets so bad sometimes that we never bothered to barbecue during storm season, we'd just tape an antenna to a cow, cover it in sauce, and wait for a storm*. And we get weird storms, no doubt about it. Raining fish? It's happened. Frogs? Yep. Mud? Often.

Oh, and don't get me started on tornado season. Why, not too long ago, one huge twister touched down, and wrecked 15 miles of prime Kansas lumber. We lost eight trees to that monster! We've had a tornadoes a mile wide, a tornado that lifted the roof from one house, lifted the roof from a second house, placed the first roof on top of the second house, then placed the second roof on a swimming pool. We've had a tornado that picked up two dogs and carried them 6 miles before depositing them unharmed in a tree.

Hail, too; we'd go out and play baseball it it. it was like going to the batting cages, except instead of paying five bucks and hitting one ball at a time, it was free, and threw 50 at a time*. Might explain why I never really understood the game, I guess. Fun fact: while snow tastes like water, hail tastes like a dog's breath smells.

They have it worse in California, though. I can hide in a ditch from a twister, and go inside for a hailstorm, but how do you hide from an earthquake? Jump?

*Not verified for accuracy.

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This blag is tagged: Kansas, Texas, Weather, All